During the COVID-19 pandemic, thousands of people have had to say goodbye to their relatives, including children. Our specialist guides us on how to communicate the death of a relative to the little ones at home.

The death of a family member is difficult at any stage of life. The COVID-19 pandemic has affected both adults and children. Dr. Carmen Bravo de Rueda, Psychologist and Psychotherapist of our clinic, answers four questions about how to tell a child that a relative will no longer be with them.

How to explain to a child when a relative dies?

It depends on the age of the child. There is a difference between children from 1 to 3 years old and children from 4 to 6. It also depends on the personality and the relationship with the relative. It is not recommended to hide said situation, not even if they ask about the person. Younger children feel more the death of a very close person that directly cared for them and not the absence of relatives that visited them less frequently.

Although they do not have the vocabulary to express their pain, through their behavior they can express how much the loss affected them since it is felt like an abandonment. Thus, children whose mothers or caregivers have died may even go backward in their development, show aggressiveness, fall into silence and/or cry frequently, among others.

Children from 4 to 6 years old can already express their sadness and also understand that it is something without return. They may also fear that another important member of the family will die, and they may even ask questions that must be answered truthfully, but without generating anxiety. They can accept the idea that the person was very old or if it was due to illness or accident. You can talk with them about religious concepts, for example, many like the idea of “taking care of them from heaven.”

Is the grieving process the same for a child and an adult? How is it different?

The grieving process is the same as they feel pain and may go through the same stages, but they may express it in different ways. They may not show grief or crying, but changes in behavior, enuresis (urinary incontinence) or decreased performance at school if the relative has been close to them. However, if their daily needs are met and someone takes care of them with affection and sensitivity, and continue with their routines, the grieving process may be overcome in a short time.

Is psychological support necessary for a grieving child?

Only when we see serious changes in their behavior, cry, but refuse to talk about it, it would be necessary to see a specialist who through games, stories, or drawings can seek the opportunity for the child to express emotions and be able to give answers to any doubts or questions. I had one case of a child that felt very guilty about the death of his grandmother because he disobeyed her the same day that she died, and she always used to say “one of these days anger will kill me.”

What should be the role of family members for a child to cope with the grieving period?

Although everyone is going to feel sad, you have to pay attention, listen, follow the routines, and include games. You have to draw strength and show the child that life goes on, giving support, affection, accepting what happened, allowing him to say goodbye in some way, and teaching that adversity must be faced and overcome by continuing with your daily activities.

Dra. Carmen Bravo de Rueda
Psychologist at Clínica Ricardo Palma